PHASE ONE: ISOLATE AND RECONFIGURE.
Swallow anger until it feels like lead in your stomach. Tape the ring to the back of the painting you made. Make sure the Sharpie is blue. Call in a half day and remove everything you can that belongs solely to you. Leave your key in the same place you found the ring. Remember that she forced your hand and take the dogs to Caesar. Endure lecture. Chainsmoke. Try to remember where you put the key to your storage unit. Figure out what you'll need for the week and leave the rest there. Go to work. Hang what you can in your locker and focus on the rest of the day. Weigh your options on where to sleep. Remember that you left your pills in the medicine cabinet. Decide to use this time to be productive instead. Stay at the office. File your paperwork. Order takeout. Rinse, repeat.
PHASE TWO: DRINK.
Take your phone to Caesar's. Trade him for the flip phone with no screen. Decide to write a list of Things That Went Wrong. Take a shot every time you think about calling her. Take two every time you reach for the phone. Continue writing. Decide to follow through on Peterson's stag party even though you'd rather blind yourself with hot pokers at this point. Pretend that you're not jealous. Channel your misguided anger into smoking. Pretend to be interested in the bevy of tits and ass on display. Take another shot. Decide the list is long enough. Take two pieces of stripper cake. Leave the list there. Break your phone. Take a cab. Find your dog outside of your former apartment. Take this as a sign you're doing the Right Thing.
PHASE THREE: INITIATE CONTACT.
When she catches you at your worst, smile. Try not to stare at her tits too long. Apologize. Realize you left your list at the strip club. Apologize. When she closes the door, push it open. Apologize. Tell her that you wish you were a dog. Try to get her to smile. Apologize. Drink more. Apologize and then throw up in the bathroom. Crawl into the tub and regroup. Leave a shoe like a motherfucking crouton to lead you back home. Ask her about the cake. Apologize to the door.
PHASE FOUR: DENIAL.
Wake up sober and realize you've Fucked Up. Ask Eric to use the shower and leave before you have to face the wrath of Caesar. Avoid the mirror. Check off first week. Remember to eat. Remember to show up for work. Catch a nap in the back of the precinct and make sure the night janitor thinks you've got a big case to work on. Try not to think about her. Try not to think about the appointments you've missed. Try not to think about the arrangements you'll have to cancel. Try not to think about what you'll tell your family when she's not there for Thanksgiving. In fact, try not to think at all.
PHASE FIVE: ACCEPTANCE.
No, fuck that.
PHASE ONE: DESPERATION.
Download a dating app and immediately delete it. Try to jerk off. Scroll through all your saved photos of her. Replay your old messages. Remember the throaty way she said your name when you made her come. Build your stroke. Lose your erection and switch to porn. Nearly drop your phone in the toilet. Get frustrated and try to sleep in the back room of the precinct. Toss. Try to jerk off again with same result. Decide the gym might be more helpful. Work your body to exhaustion. Try to eat and keep it down. Tick off week two. In the morning, decide you need to see her. Take a shot and text her.
PHASE TWO: ANGER.
Wear your least wrinkled shirt when you meet her at her office. Try not to come off as utterly pathetic as you feel. Try not to tell her how much you've been thinking about her. Apologize first. Listen second. Try not to let your anger show when she compares you to some fuckwad who never should've had his hands on her. Try to hold your tongue when she insinuates you're a control freak. Try not to call her on what she's saying and knows is bullshit. Fail. Reach deep into that pit of desperation when you realize the door is once again shutting and this time she might pour gasoline on the floor. Swear a blood oath and briefly feel at ease when she holds your hand. When she cracks you against your cheek, follow the motion. Don't tell her you deserved it because she already knows. Just hold on to that touch even when the burn fades. Maybe you can sleep tonight.
PHASE THREE: DRINK.
Pick a fight with Davidson the next morning because his attitude is too Twilight Zone for you to handle. Do it partially so you don't have to discuss the bandage on your hand. Take the afternoon off along with the mild scold and get drunk. Listen to the last playlist you made her and wander around until you find yourself in the park. Think about the last time you were there with her. Try to remember what her skin feels like. Wonder if she gives a shit about you. Suffocate that ache with another drink in the bar adjacent. And another. And another. Sober up just in time for work. Rinse, repeat.
PHASE FOUR: GO HOME WITH A STRANGER.
Friday after work, take a trip to that shitty bar you loved when your best friend was still single. Draw on the napkins and ask for the dealer's choice on drinks. Keep drinking until you can barely stand. Take off your shoes when you decide to shoot pool with a stranger. Forget one in the quest to satiate your sudden hunger. Find yourself in front of Whole Foods wondering about their dress policy. Let your hunger consume the shame of realizing you've left yet another shoe in a place you're never going back to. Debate entering anyway. When the man asks if you're okay, lie. Tell him you're not homeless. Tell him you're fine. Tell him you wanted a snack. Let him guide you away from the street. Crack a joke just to see if you can still do it. When he laughs, let him try to help you without protesting. Ask him for cereal and then pay him for it and his kindness. When he shows you where to sit in the lobby, ask his name. Sleep on his couch. Hope that he'll be a little more forgiving that you're not yourself right now in the morning.
PHASE FIVE: ACCEPTANCE.
You already said fuck that.
♪ ♫ I wish I could go back in life ♫ ♪
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